“Putting myself first feels really selfish”
“I feel guilty if I take time for me”
Do you recognise these feelings?
You serve no one when life’s stresses get too much to handle and you’re struggling to function. Stop. Before you get to the point of feeling ill. Just imagine how much there is to be accomplished, not only for you but all those around you – when you’re strong, powerful and in a more certain position.
Having others to care for, children, parents, as well as a busy career and numerous other demands can, and does, take its toll. Ultimately, we give in to feelings of despair and can end up exhausted. Then it’s a trip to the doctors; needing to treat symptoms of can’t sleep, can’t stay awake or can’t stop worrying. Whichever; we’re just not coping.
Rather than look to change our environment we too often look inward. Our response being one of hopelessness, helplessness or feeling less than; just not enough. ‘How come I can’t just take it all in my stride?’ ‘How come everyone else seems to manage?’
The reason – we work back to front
We look after everyone and everything else first, then we look after us; when and if time allows. Unfortunately, with this ideology, ‘time and care for us’ gets pushed further and further away and consistently becomes completely out of reach. Turning this thought process on its head goes initially against the grain.
However…
Being able to reframe a new perspective is ultimately a win-win for all concerned. The very familiar analogy of giving yourself the oxygen on a plane first can seem extremely overused and almost flippant – it isn’t. Although a well-known metaphor, the message is one of stark consequence; it’s nothing about being kind; it’s everything about saving as many souls as possible in a life and death situation. Putting your oxygen on first saves lives. Putting yourself first, saves everyone around you.
The more mentally and physically fit we are, the more we achieve for others
If your priority is other people, then serve you first in order to effectively care for others. Let’s face it, if an emergency crops up, you make the time to deal with it, right? So, you do have time; it’s just about appreciating priorities and order of focus. We often fire-fight with the next issue that presents itself. It’s a pattern of behaviour that left unchecked only gets worse.
What does it mean – put yourself first?
It’s certainly not about putting yourself ahead of others. It’s about ensuring you are refreshed, rejuvenated and strong enough to support those you care about effectively; be that family, friends or work. Maybe an exercise class, a walk – with a friend or on your own or take a day and go to the beach with a book (ooh, imagine that), even just a bath. Go to bed at 9 to read for an hour, gardening for time with yourself. Even just get some proper sleep! Whatever it is, step back and MAKE the time, just to do it – renew your strength.
What if you could feel a bit less stressed?
It’s simple and very internally effective to disassociate. (Not to be confused with dissociation which means to disconnect from oneself). To disassociate means to metaphorically step aside; put a gap between you and your worries. When you’re not ‘in’ your situation but rather ‘beside’ it, it can decrease the attached emotion significantly. Get detached from your emotion. When you look at the situation; not feel the situation within you, there’s a shift. Just try it – physically pretend to take your worry from within you and place it in another part of the room, or outside, just away from you. Then come back and notice, just notice the space between you and your worry and how that distance makes you feel. Just having that stress out of you so you can look at it, makes such a difference.
Here’s an example of a client’s aha moment
They felt hugely at the beck and call of work and family. Although worn out and emotional, they also felt like they were serving no one very well; least of all themselves. Trying to be everything to everyone they were failing miserably and feeling low. As they explored each of these areas it became apparent to them that no one was asking for what they were giving. They laughed so hard at their aha moment . The problem had indeed emerged from the client’s perspective of what was necessary, the feeling of having to struggle constantly in order to be effective. After making a few quite small but significant changes, their life; rather than overwhelming, became so much more fun and lived from a feeling of joy, engagement and empowerment. Those around noticed for the better too.
Recently I had to walk away…
A family member had been poorly and I found myself on an emotional rollercoaster, in my willingness and need to help. I was choosing to go up and down with how they felt and it wore me out; without me realising. When it all got too much, I tried to make changes but circumstances wouldn’t allow. It was then I had to step away and spend a few days in my own space. I needed to personally catch up, relax and most importantly, completely let go. I’m back now; slightly more disassociated and a lot more effective. Nothing much has changed, except me; my perception.
Here’s some help:
Unconsciously, we can get absorbed in a path, a way of being, a focus and it’s only when we make a change that we appreciate we were in too deep.
If this resonates for you – take an action now – read these questions, very slowly, don’t skip through the questions; actually, write down an answer to each one and think about it.
‘Go on – I dare you; make a change’
- What one thing (even a very small thing) can (and importantly will) you stop in order to step back a little?
- What one thing can/will you introduce in order to gain essential revitalising and regenerating ‘me time’?
- What difference will doing the above make, both to you and ultimately those around you?
- Think! – what fundamentally makes you ‘you’; what makes you feel that strong, confident person (that you take a deeper intake of breath when you think about it) and what element of that is missing for you, right now, what needs attention?
“Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean me first, it means me too.”
J Kornfield
Conclusion:
Don’t keep doing what you’ve always done and hope for a different result – Reclaim yourself in order to be effective for others.
When you allow the power of you to come into play – just watch the space around you change for the better.
If you have skipped through the two exercises above, please go back and revisit them, they work. I do hope this has been a beneficial read and if you would like any further help, contact me and let’s explore to get you thriving.
Author: Linzi Wood, Life Coach, Cheshire
